Im at strip club and am horny
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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