The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
