I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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