New low: just hacked my moms facebook
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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