i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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