she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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