I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
