who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
