you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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