he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
