ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
