So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
