your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
