this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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