And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
