I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
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