there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
