I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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