Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
