my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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