My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
