just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
