I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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