Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
