why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
