I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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