Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
