$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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