bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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