I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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