if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I currently don't understand fingers.
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