dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
