You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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