totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
