there's paper in my vomit.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
