he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
