i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
