I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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