You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
