Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Randomize
