if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I want a musical about memes.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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