My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Sext me about skeletons
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
