He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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