Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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