Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
