I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
