genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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