I'm so fucking centered right now
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
