don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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