you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
