Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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