I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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